I’m sitting on the balcony of our condo in a beautiful destination in Colorado trying to even begin to comprehend the past few months and everything that has happened. It all feels like a dream to me. Not real. Something that could never happen. I shouldn’t be here.
I am ten weeks pregnant today.
The fact that we have made it this far is absolutely incomprehensible to me. After all of the failures, after all of the disappointment, after all of the heartache, it seemed that nothing good would ever come to us, yet here we find ourselves. In one of our favorite vacation destinations and I’m carrying a baby that has been growing inside of me for nearly eight weeks.
I know of many, many women who say that even though they are pregnant, they can never forget their struggle with infertility and how painful and draining it was. I always thought that I would be one of those women. It seemed impossible to let go of those feelings, no matter how sweet the feeling of eventually becoming pregnant could be. I couldn’t fathom it. But as each day passes, I feel that pain, hopelessness, frustration, and despair slowly fade away into a distant memory. That realization absolutely terrifies me. I’ve known that I’ve been pregnant for just a little over six weeks, and knowing how greatly the pain of infertility has diminished already scares me.
I don’t ever want to forget what a gift this pregnancy is to us. How much we wanted it and how much we were willing to give up in order to achieve it. How much we unintentionally gave up along the way, not knowing if the ultimate outcome would bring us what we wanted. I don’t want to take for granted all that we’ve been through.
But at the same time, I don’t want to be mired in the terrible, terrible place that I was in just a few short months ago. That is a place that I don’t ever want to go to again, and it hurts me so much to see those who are still struggling in the place, trying to get to the other side.
The quickly fading memories of the past two and half years were completely unexpected and are leaving me feeling unbalanced and unsure. I know that I need to find a balance between appreciating where I’m at, while at the same time appreciating where I’ve come from, but I’m really struggling to do that.
I suppose that in the end, it’s more important to live in the moment and enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. I know that I won’t ever completely forget our long journey to get to where we are now, it will always be a part of me and for now I will just have to take solace in knowing that.
One Small Wish...Granted 
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July 23, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Amber
VERY well said! I couldn’t say it any better. Hope you are enjoying Colorado!! I know it’s one of my very favorite places to visit.
July 23, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Ady
I found myself thinking those same thoughts when I was pregnant with Zachary. Looking back it “only” took a year to get pregnant… it was “only” 6 anovlatory months plus 5 failed clomid cycles… looking back it seems like just an “only”… but it really wasn’t. When you are going through that pain, it hurts so deeply you feel you will never come out. Amazing how 1 day can change it all… 1 stick. I know you went through so much more than me so I can understand how you don’t want to forget what a precious gift this baby is.. and I know you won’t. One thing that helped me a lot to remember what I had gone through was to choose a name that had meaning. Zachary means “the Lord remembers”. I spent so many nights praying and begging God to remember me.. and He did. so Zac’s name will be a forever reminder of what I went through to get pregnant with him :). I will never forget even if the feelings fade.
July 23, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Louise
I found when I had similar feelings it helped me to go back and read my journals or blogs…that helped to remind me of the journey that led me to where I was at that point in time. You are right, you don’t want to get stuck in the bad place but you don’t want to ever forget what a difficult journey it has been either. I think this blog is a perfect way for you to capture and remember all the feelings at every stage of the journey of becoming a mom. Just read the small print under One Small Wish (My journey to make one small wish come true…I want children to be a part of our family). They key part to that for me is JOURNEY…this blog is your journey and highlights the highs and the lows of what has brought you to this point.
I still recall one of my blog ramblings where I realized for a while was consistently making entries on a Saturday morning. It was in that reflection that it dawned on me that lfe is a bunch of Saturdays strung together. Each one on its own isn’t anything remarkable but looking back at what happens from one Saturday to the next is when and how life happens. I still think about that now when I’m out on a sunny summer Saturday with Darren and Madison thinking that only a year ago I couldn’t imagine such a Saturday would ever exist! It’s our actions and decisions of yesterday that bring us to where we are today…that’s how I hang on to what brought me to this place.
July 23, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Best When Used By
Happy 10 weeks! What a sweet, thoughtful post. The fact that you wrote it means you haven’t forgotten. And I don’t think you will forget. The hard times will always be part of who you are and how you got to this place. But that doesn’t mean that feeling happy and letting go of the painful, draining memories is in anyway disrespectful to your journey. We are not meant to carry everything with us all the days of our lives. We’re meant to experience, learn, grow and move on. And so you are. Those bygone days of stress and worry and difficulty have helped you become grateful and caring and gentle. I think this is reason to celebrate.
July 23, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Simple
Hi! Congrats on the pregnancy!!! I just came across your blog & saw that your first IVF was cancelled due to poor response and I felt relief – b/c now I know someone who is now pregnant after having an IVF cancelled. My first one was cancelled last Sunday & I’ve been pretty down. It’s so amazing that happy endings really do happen. Good luck!
July 25, 2009 at 10:37 am
Julie
What a beautiful post! You describe the incredible change from infertility to pregnancy perfectly – I couldn’t have said it better myself. I don’t think any of us that have struggled to conceive will ever forget what we went through to get our miracles, and I do truly believe that for our hardships, we appreciate that gift of a child’s life just a little bit more than those who came by it so easily. When your baby is in your arms, the feelings will change again, and your heart will be filled with gratitude, for every tear, needle poke, BFN, and doctor’s visit and the blind faith with which you continued to take each next step will all be worthwhile, and you will never forget that.
January 3, 2010 at 6:00 pm
Lut C.
Popped over from the crème de la crème list.
I enjoyed a year-long honeymoon away from IF and all the bitterness and negative feelings it brought with it. You’re right to embrace it.
Best of luck!